Regrets

One thing I was reflecting on earlier is that I have a tendency to replay moments and scenarios in my head and imagine how I would do them differently. This is sometimes helpful, as it helps me see who I wish to become and how I want to interact with the world, but it can also just serve to point out things I regret.

Regret is very interesting to me, because I think it implies a lack of satisfaction for where we currently are. Before I start the process of guilt and remorse, or just a bit of kicking myself, I try to remember that I wouldn't be the person I am today without making the choices I'd made in the past.

To interject a bit of why I shouldn't regret the choices I've made, I have a pretty awesome life right now. I have friends, and an active social life, I live in London, I study drama at one of the best schools for drama in the world, and I'm able to think critically about social and political issues. The regrets, however, still persist, but the ache is dulled quite a bit.

I think one of the things I regret the most is how I tend to disrespect myself and my feelings. Far from finding this to be depressing, I think of it instead as a tool to engage in changing the things about my psyche that lead to making that kind of behavior standard. Perhaps regret really is just another way to create positivity and foster important reevaluations of our position in life, and we should be grateful that we regret.

In the spirit of proving regret is useful, I will publish some poetry, because one of the things I wish I had done is produce creative writing more regularly.

The whisper of you is like a shadow
On the memories of my future
Crawling slowly over the terrain
Giving relief to the bright blindness of inexperience

I wonder how I could have changed
Created something beyond the petty quarrels
Broken promises
Missed opportunities
But I think they might have been right to say
If it was meant to be there would be no obstacles

Nothing is nothing, in that way, but nothing
Can be something beyond
Past our misjudged comments and
Empty words and accidents

A small green shoot spreads leaves upward
Basks in the sunlight of a grin
Flourishes as it expands and
Bursts into being

Only the choice gives hint at reality,
I am not my mind's tenant, forced to remember
The soft caress of recollected wrongs
Slips away on the peace of being free