Active Consent

"Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes', and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.'" -Meg, Disney's Hercules.

Clearly the issue of consent was one so universal it had become the subject of a one-liner in a children's movie, released in 1997. One would assume, then, that huge steps had been made to eradicate the style of thinking and behaving Meg so succinctly illustrates. It wouldn't be "humor" if it wasn't relatable, so therefor Disney writers were aware of the culture of consent at the time.

But 15 years later, it feels like not much has changed. We discuss rape and its punishment in terms of the victim. Rights are repeatedly taken away from women and men who suffer sexual assault, though most of the legislation suggested by the conservative party attacks women specifically. As Paul Ryan so kindly pointed out, "Rape is just another form of conception.", thus implying that a woman is worth nothing besides producing children. We hear comments like these from politicians, the people who are supposed to be more worthy to lead and make decisions than the masses.

There was, and still remains, a strong campaign to popularize the phrase "No means no.", but I posit that merely defining one method of refusal is not enough. Street harassers rarely evaluate the willingness of the woman to hear how "hot" she is, and sometimes a word is not the only way that someone could choose to "say no".

This is why I promote active consent, both in my own life and to my friends. Yes, it can be a little bit "unsexy" to ask for permission, in terms of what society has deemed attractive, but we all know that I am generally not pleased with what society finds appealing. What's much, much less attractive is not having consent. There's an article trending on my Facebook newsfeed regarding the famous "Kissing Sailor" photograph, and in the evidence presented, it's clear the nurse had no time to say no before the the sailor decided his happiness was more important than her consent. Sometimes when we are caught up in the excitement of a moment, things happen, but it's a cop-out of the highest order to suggest one cannot control their own actions under any irregular circumstances, such as being drunk or excited.

I know it can seem strange to other people to be "slow", because I have run into that issue as a practitioner of this method. My persona and image seems to be one of more dominance, rather than submission, and generally the women I have dated assume I will just do what I want to do when I want to do it. When I move only as slowly as is established, I am met with confusion, but it's simple enough to sit someone down and explain. Though it can be occasionally "frustrating" to move at a different pace than was originally expected, it is ultimately far more rewarding. It can also be very attractive to hear a partner ask for what they want and explain what they are comfortable with you doing, if it's phrased correctly.

By creating a more informed method of consent, hopefully we can avoid the pressure and stigma attached to saying "No". I find that even I think I owe someone physical reciprocity after going out to dinner, but that's very much not the case. Asking for a yes at every change in level of intimacy may seem droll, but I think it gives both parties time to think about what it is that they truly feel comfortable with. In the long run, it leads to deeper trust and understanding.

After all, the best thing to hear someone say is "Yes!"