A Piece on my Sexuality

Because it's the elephant on the web-page that everyone's talking about.

I'd like to re-publish a piece I wrote a while back- it was a note on facebook, so I'm just recycling it here.

From August 17th, 2009:

Considering the amount of time I feel I spend answering people's questions about lesbianism and homosexuality, I think I should just write this note and reference it in the future.

Just because I am gay doesn't mean I'm an expert on all people who fall under the umbrella term "queer". Let's get that out of the way immediately. I would not ask someone who's straight how every straight person felt about being straight, or if missionary is really how you have sex, or if it's hard to please your partner because you're of an opposite gender and can't really understand the intricate workings of their bodies.

Transversely, when you ask me "do lesbians really scissor" or "is it really sex, without a penis", I only really know the answers for myself. Which is, by the way, NO, and yes. My definition of sex is when you have an intense connection with someone that is manifested through physical contact, that also involves some sort of vulnerability. Yes, this does mean that I think meaningless sex isn't really sex, and you can't lose your virginity if you don't feel connected to the other person or that you shared something with them, or even lost something to them, like your innocence.

Limit the questions, however, because I don't feel like I've been elected spokesperson for the queer community just because I'm your token gay friend. Obviously I don't mean you can't ask me personal questions, but when you ask general questions, it's kind of hard to answer some of them without feeling like I'm shooting in the dark.

Next, being tolerant includes tolerance of all degrees of sexuality. Being my friend or acquaintance doesn't give you the right to not be accepting of bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, or gay people. Let's put it this way. If you ever find yourself in the situation where you have to say "but I'm friends with a lesbian", you've probably done or said something intolerant. Admit it, fix it, move on. Don't use friends, and especially not me, as an excuse.

Also. I'm not a lesbian. I'm a person who happens to be attracted to people of the same sex. My sexuality no more defines me than your sexuality defines you. When you call me that, I have a feeling I'm being put into a box in which I do not belong. I'm not concerned with what I do in the bedroom. You probably wouldn't introduce me as your friend the Jew (granted, I'm only culturally Jewish, but still), and being a lesbian kind of feels the same to me- something I talk about, have no problem telling other people I am, but certainly is not very important in the equation of who I am. Even if I look gay.

One last thing. I am actually a discreet and fairly conservative person (not politically, but personally). I don't feel the need to constantly tell people what I do in the bedroom. If I do, it's because I elect to. I'm comfortable with who I am, but I understand there are people who aren't, and I don't feel the need to tell them my sexuality or my exploits. I'm a responsible, upright person, so if you're going to tell someone something about me, try not to mention my private life but rather my personal characteristics. It makes me feel better. I don't like the idea that the first thing you decide to tell someone else about me is that I'm a lesbian. I think there are more interesting aspects of my personality for you to talk about.

I don't want to make it seem like anyone in my friend group offends me in any way, because no one really does, and really, as long as you know you're only getting my side of the story, asking questions is fine. But I really am not the expert in all alternative sexualities. It is akin to using wikipedia for a research paper- you may get the gist, the article will be a stub, or the sources won't be checked, so you can't really use it. Or at least take it with a grain of salt. Advice is subjective, but information shouldn't be.