Stigma

When I consider all of the things that make up my identity, I generally come up with an amalgamation of nerd, alternative, lesbian, atheist, liberal, and a whole bunch of things that cannot be qualified by a single word. I'm not against labeling myself, but I think that no one should have labels thrust upon them, nor should anyone change themselves to fit into a group, if it's not part of their natural growth as a person.

One label that I have a really, really hard time admitting to myself, and only a slightly less hard time admitting to others (hello, internet strangers!) is one that I tried to avoid for a long time. I still try to avoid it because of the stigma associated with any 'invisible' problem. That's my euphemistic way of saying I have a mental health disorder. It's something no one can see, and is frequently mistaken for the sufferer's personality.

There's a lot of misunderstanding surrounding mental health, and I'm not really qualified to speak to other people's experiences, but I know from personal experience that many people judge those afflicted with mental health disorders very harshly. People bandy about the phrase 'x must be shizophrenic' or 'y is so bipolar' when they clearly have zero understanding of the actual experiences people living with such disorders have. Lots of people joke about being 'so ADD' or having 'OCD' or any number of other popularly recognized social disorders.

I find this troubling. The psychiatric community assigns those diagnoses after long periods of study, after going through years of education, and exploring what other disorders or common behavioral issues the patient may have. It helps no one to self-diagnose, even in a humorous way. All it does is increase the misunderstanding that people have about what it is to live with a mental health problem. I'm one of the lucky ones, because my issues are fairly easy to hide, thus making my handicap, as it were, even less noticeable. There are lots of people who cannot avoid recognition, and I have watched, and even occasionally intervened, as they were harassed and mocked by "regular" people.

Mental illness is a serious issue that affects millions, but there is very little attempt made to understand or empathize with the plight of those who are afflicted. It's shocking when you consider the numbers- an estimated 26% of adult Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental illness, and about 6% have a serious mental illness. How can it be that when a quarter of the population is diagnosable there is so much stigma associated with having a diagnosis?

Maybe it's because we care too much about having, or not having labels. There is a sense of status associated with the labels we wander around with, and there is a loss of status when those labels have negative implications.

In the queer community, we talk about visibility as a way of promoting tolerance. I came out at a young age, even lept out of the closet, in some ways, and never really doubted myself. It has worked, being visible, to prove to others who may have held certain stereotypes about my lesbian label that I am, in fact, "normal" and worthy of respect. I wonder if it could be the same way for mental health disorders. If I stood up and proudly told everyone about my illness, explained what my life has been like (if they want to listen), and stopped hiding, and if others also did so, would it help?

I don't know. I've told my close friends, I occasionally tell my bosses and coworkers (if I feel it's necessary), and if asked, I wouldn't deny it, but I still feel like there is a part of me that cannot publicize my inner demons. Maybe it's because I don't want this particular label, or that I judge myself too harshly. Maybe it's also that I think there are some things that are hard to come to grips with for anyone, and they shouldn't have to announce their labels in order to receive acceptance and understanding.

Stop perpetuating the stigma of mental illness- it's pointless, and only shames the people who are afflicted. There's no stigma to be accepting and tolerant of differences, whether they be 'visible', or 'invisible', so perhaps it's time to turn over a new leaf.

A Piece on my Sexuality

Because it's the elephant on the web-page that everyone's talking about.

I'd like to re-publish a piece I wrote a while back- it was a note on facebook, so I'm just recycling it here.

From August 17th, 2009:

Considering the amount of time I feel I spend answering people's questions about lesbianism and homosexuality, I think I should just write this note and reference it in the future.

Just because I am gay doesn't mean I'm an expert on all people who fall under the umbrella term "queer". Let's get that out of the way immediately. I would not ask someone who's straight how every straight person felt about being straight, or if missionary is really how you have sex, or if it's hard to please your partner because you're of an opposite gender and can't really understand the intricate workings of their bodies.

Transversely, when you ask me "do lesbians really scissor" or "is it really sex, without a penis", I only really know the answers for myself. Which is, by the way, NO, and yes. My definition of sex is when you have an intense connection with someone that is manifested through physical contact, that also involves some sort of vulnerability. Yes, this does mean that I think meaningless sex isn't really sex, and you can't lose your virginity if you don't feel connected to the other person or that you shared something with them, or even lost something to them, like your innocence.

Limit the questions, however, because I don't feel like I've been elected spokesperson for the queer community just because I'm your token gay friend. Obviously I don't mean you can't ask me personal questions, but when you ask general questions, it's kind of hard to answer some of them without feeling like I'm shooting in the dark.

Next, being tolerant includes tolerance of all degrees of sexuality. Being my friend or acquaintance doesn't give you the right to not be accepting of bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, or gay people. Let's put it this way. If you ever find yourself in the situation where you have to say "but I'm friends with a lesbian", you've probably done or said something intolerant. Admit it, fix it, move on. Don't use friends, and especially not me, as an excuse.

Also. I'm not a lesbian. I'm a person who happens to be attracted to people of the same sex. My sexuality no more defines me than your sexuality defines you. When you call me that, I have a feeling I'm being put into a box in which I do not belong. I'm not concerned with what I do in the bedroom. You probably wouldn't introduce me as your friend the Jew (granted, I'm only culturally Jewish, but still), and being a lesbian kind of feels the same to me- something I talk about, have no problem telling other people I am, but certainly is not very important in the equation of who I am. Even if I look gay.

One last thing. I am actually a discreet and fairly conservative person (not politically, but personally). I don't feel the need to constantly tell people what I do in the bedroom. If I do, it's because I elect to. I'm comfortable with who I am, but I understand there are people who aren't, and I don't feel the need to tell them my sexuality or my exploits. I'm a responsible, upright person, so if you're going to tell someone something about me, try not to mention my private life but rather my personal characteristics. It makes me feel better. I don't like the idea that the first thing you decide to tell someone else about me is that I'm a lesbian. I think there are more interesting aspects of my personality for you to talk about.

I don't want to make it seem like anyone in my friend group offends me in any way, because no one really does, and really, as long as you know you're only getting my side of the story, asking questions is fine. But I really am not the expert in all alternative sexualities. It is akin to using wikipedia for a research paper- you may get the gist, the article will be a stub, or the sources won't be checked, so you can't really use it. Or at least take it with a grain of salt. Advice is subjective, but information shouldn't be.