Am I Butch?

It turns out wikiHow has a seven-step guide on how to be a butch lesbian. So I thought I'd see what it was all about. I also have decided to be unrelenting snarky about a how-to guide for being butch.

How to be a Butch Lesbian

Have you ever felt that you were a Butch Lesbian? Butches can be very attractive, handy, and even sweet. The challenge is balancing the style so it looks good.

Step One: Ask yourself a few questions.

Well, first off, why does a wikiHow for being butch exist? That will puzzle me for DAYS. Enough procrastination. I will now answer the questions.

Why do you want to be butch?

I look so amazing in dresses that women everywhere would immediately become lesbian, leaving the world's men lonely and the birth rate zero, so I think it's my social responsibility to tone my appearance down to charmingly handsome.

Do you feel attractive and natural in this look?

Well, you haven't explained what "this" look is, but sure, I feel like I'm naturally attractive, handy, and sweet. And considering in the past 24 hours I've been in flannel, a cut-off t-shirt, jeans, a men's dress shirt, and a tie, I guess it's my natural state.

...Or is this just a cheap scheme to get women's attention?

If I could just take a moment to wonder why this would be a stunningly important issue? Also ouch. And judgement is just reeking from that statement in waves. To answer, however, I would say no, not in the slightest. I am butch because of the way I dress. I attract women because of my personality, I hope, and I'd like to think that getting the attention of women is a much more complex equation than simply being masculine and a lady.

Can you handle people knowing about your sexuality?

I think the bigger question is can they handle knowing about my sexuality, but yes. I enjoy being visible because it allows me to find out who I'd rather not spend time with, and also who I can at least feel accepted by.

How will others react?

Well, women will apparently be giving me more attention, since it was a cheap scheme to get it in the first place. Honestly, though, most people just appreciate how comfortable I am with being a walking lesbian stereotype. (I'm sitting here in flannel and men's jeans. I also have my freshly done alternative lifestyle haircut, short fingernails, no makeup, and sized ears.)

Step Two: Develop more masculine mannerisms.

Are we conflating being a butch with being a man? I hope not.

Walk with more confidence and stride.

Apparently only masculine people are confident. Note to self: I must become more masculine, my confidence could use a boost. Second- walk with more stride? So just take bigger steps? Must be all that masculine confidence; it needs more space to fully take effect.

Don't slouch or sit with your legs together.

Shit. I'm slouching right now. -5 on my Butch report card, I'm sure. My legs aren't together, though, so at least I'm not a total failure. Oh. I just readjusted to get more comfortable, and now not only are my legs together, they're crossed. Also I had no idea femmes were all slouching all the time. Must be that lowered self-confidence that comes with being feminine.

Watch the way men move and move like them. Try to only copy more of the popular guys, when observing them think, is this guy cool?

This nicely demonstrates how important a correctly placed comma can be to the meaning of a sentence. I apparently should be observing popular guys thinking in the third person about their own coolness, rather than thinking 'Is this guy cool?' when observing popular guys as an outsider. A lesbian spy, if you will.

If there's one thing I've learned in my years of being butch it is that popularity and 'cool' factor are nothing to emulate. You could end up going to frat parties and demanding women dump water on their white shirts while drinking terrible beer.

Does he seem attractive to girls? If yes, he is a good example since you do not want to move awkwardly.

But staring at a guy and memorizing his mannerisms and physicality is totally normal, healthy behavior, right? Also, he probably seems attractive to straight girls, and we all know that straight girls are exactly the same in their tastes as lesbians, which is why they date men.

Step Three: Get some masculine clothing.

Done. So there, yesterday. Or maybe a couple of years ago. It's hard to trace the beginnings of my descent into butchism. (I originally put 'butchery' and then tried to make a cleavage pun, but butchism has that nice belief-system connotation.)

You can buy men's clothing, or, buy women's clothing that is boyish.

Check. My undergarments are 'boyish' women's clothing. Everything else basically comes from the men's section. The snarky comment for this section will be 'You could also buy whatever clothing you want in whatever style you want and feel butch because it is your identity rather than your fashion, but that may be too progressive.'

Some good things to get: A few polo shirts. Tshirts with cool designs on them. Try not go with big logos or dorky souvenir shirts. Loose-fitting jeans. Not too baggy, not to loose. You can go with men's jeans or women's boy-cut jeans since those are made for a female frame. Dress clothes. Pants suits, shirts with ties and nice shoes are great for special occasions. Do learn to tie a tie, as clip ons are tacky. Accessories. Get a few belts and a nice watch (go for a neutral color). A chain to wear around your neck can look handsome. Shoes. You really only need 3 pairs: comfy shoes, dress shoes and boots. Binder. Some butches dislike having large breasts and may wish to bind them down. Boxers- no butch should wear girly undies. Go for comfort. Plaid, solid or simple patterns are best. For the most part, you will be the only one that sees them; keep in mind that your girlfriend will see them so they need to look good. Messenger bag or backpack. Purses are to be avoided.

I figured I would take this all in at once, though now I'm just overwhelmed. I own no polo shirts, and none of my current tshirts have designs. My jeans, while loose compared to jeggings, are slim-fit or skinny (all men's). I have no pants suits. I have suits. I also wear shirts with ties and THANK YOU, CLIP-ONS ARE AWFUL. Part of the fun of a tie is being able to retie the knot to suit the shirt collar and your jawline. I have a few belts, and a nice watch I never wear. No neck chain, either, regardless of how handsome being forever in the 90s may make me.

...

Sorry, I was momentarily stunned by how depressing it would be to have only three pairs of shoes. And how impractical. Gym shoes, casual shoes, at least two pairs of dress shoes- black and brown, and boots would be the minimum. Granted, that's only five pairs, but come on. I have at least 15 pairs of shoes, and they all make different statements when paired with different outfits. I guess if all of ones' dress clothes were in complementary colors and you either had rejected the idea of gyms or ever wearing any shoes besides your dress shoes in public, then three pairs could work. But...just... sad.

See, and everyone thought Romney was wrong to say he kept women in binders. Clearly they were all just large breasted butch lesbians. Binders full of women, indeed. Strong, well-endowed lesbians with a penchant for smooth profiles.

I also don't wear boxers. I wear the least girly women's underwear I've ever seen. Contrast waistband, boxer-brief style panelling, but no keyhole and no 'extra space', as it were. I think there should be no hard and fast rules about what butches should and shouldn't be doing, especially since I would never let someone see my underwear if they thought all people who identify a certain way had to dress a certain way to match.

I see 'purses are to be avoided' and just think of thousands of butch lesbians running hurriedly away from coach stores and women carrying purses as they try to hold on to their much less scary backpacks and messenger bags.

Step Four: Skip the makeup

Okay, next step. Oh wait, no...

Concealer for blemishes and pimples is fine. Eyeliner is okay in small amounts and also make absolutely sure that you always brush your teeth.

Okay, so basically natural, that's cool. And eyeliner says rockstar, and we know all butch lesbians are rockstars. Coincidentally, the only wild butches ever seen by the straight community have been k.d.lang and Melissa Etheridge. We're not sure what they think about Ellen, though. She may have tricked them.

Wait. What? I must have skipped a step in the Butch handbook. We have to brush our teeth? Here I was, thinking that was just basic hygiene and maintenance, but no, it's butch! Tell that to all those lipstick femmes. On second thought, please don't. I'd like them to continue brushing their teeth as if it's a normal behavior for everyone.

Step five: Get a short hair cut.

You can't be butch and have long hair. That breaks the rules! When my hair was shoulder length my butch card got revoked until I cut it again. It was a hard time for me.

Look at both women and men for inspiration. To find a look that will look good on you, ask the hair dresser what will match your face shape.

What if they say long layers? Should you turn to them and declare, "I AM A BUTCH. SHORT HAIR ONLY!"?

At least now we get to look at women! It's finally something I have experience doing.

Step six: Be active.

Like sexually? Or mentally? I mean, I feel like we've gone over appearance, right?

Try to get into a sport or just work out.

Sorry, I don't have the shoes for that. Also, I don't know why you have to work out or play sports to be butch.

Be proud of your body and its strengths.

Finally something I agree with.

Looking attractive and gaining muscle can also be a benefit.

And now I don't agree with it anymore. Okay, so I should be proud of my body, but I will only look attractive if I'm working out or playing sports? Great. That makes sense. I should definitely subscribe to the belief that working out will make me more attractive, because obviously if I was proud of my body it would be better if I tried to change it instead. 'In-shape' does not equal 'looking attractive'. Less looks based judgement would be nice.

Step Seven: Act the part.

Fake it 'til you make it!

Be confident and masculine. 

Why not be your version of feminine? Most butch lesbians are, in fact, females.

Be chivalrous and gentleman-like.

Let me reinforce the patriarchy for you lovely ladies. I'm sure just being polite would not be enough.

Try your best to stay calm and in control of  your emotions in public.

I knew throwing temper-tantrums wasn't working, but I couldn't figure out why. Not butch enough! I think this is suggesting, however, that feminine lesbians are not calm and able to control their emotions, and I think that's kind of pathetic. Most people try to stay calm and in control of their emotions in public. Feminine DOES NOT equal 'hormonal', nor does masculine equal 'emotionless'.

Confidence is key, so be sure to take charge and be assertive.

Does that mean I'm not butch because I'm laid-back? Perhaps I should be more controlling. Clearly that's what being masculine is all about.

Most of all, be yourself.

So what you're saying is that even though I should change what I wear, how I act, what I think, and how I recreate, I should stay the same. Sounds totally reasonable.

That being said, yes. That is really the only step necessary at all. Truth be told, it's hard to find the lesbian community, and also hard to determine what to wear and how to act, but I think we are far better served by creating our own paths than trying to pick a label and conform to it. If you truly want to be butch, you probably also know what you want yourself to look like, act like, etc. Just embrace that.