The Gossip on Gender Roles in the Metro

So I'm not always the type to quibble about small things, but I was reading today's Metro (a free morning newspaper in London), and one of the 'Guilty Pleasures' articles was about Beth Ditto's recent marriage to Karen Ogata.

Of course, I am always grateful when marriages between women are covered in news outlets without being mentioned as blasphemous, but there is a major misconception within the article about the nature of woman-and-woman relationships.

While talking first about Ditto's Jean Paul Gaultier dress, the author then decided to also include a bit about what her bride was wearing. I don't know if the intent was offensive, but certainly the effect is.

'Hawaiian native Ogata proved she wears the pants in the relationship, opting for a white tuxedo jacket and shorts combo.'

This is a British paper, so I'm wondering if they know something about what lingerie Ditto was wearing (or not?) that I'm missing. Ogata was wearing shorts, so neither of them were wearing trousers. So why this talk about pants? I'm sure the question that everyone really wants to know is who wears the socks in the relationship. It's very important and so frequently overlooked!

Alright, enough of the snark. I just find it frustrating that people think it's alright to decide what the roles of women are within a private relationship, especially one that is predicated upon its lack of a 'man'.  Hate to burst your bubble, but some partners can function without a power imbalance.

Now, I'll spare you the lecture on how same sex couples operate very differently in their relationships and just kindly ask you to read this fascinating article.

I'm going to attempt to filter down Tiffany Wayne's message even more and point out that not only do same-sex couples prove women and men can function in any role in a relationship, the gender display of the couples has nothing to do with what roles they fill.

I am somewhat 'butch', perhaps, in my physical manifestation of gender, what with my short hair, tendency to wear men's clothing, and somewhat blocky stride, and yes, my partner is somewhat 'femme', but I don't presume to hold any power over her in the sense that 'wearing the pants' would imply. Now, to be fair, the phrase was developed to address women who had somehow taken on the dominant role of a man in a heterosexual relationship, but that would further mean it has very little relevance in discussions of homosexual marriages.

Really, though, this issue boils down to the belief that most people seem to have of the homosexual community sticking to traditional gender roles. Newsflash: we don't. We may have in the past, and perhaps a select few of us still do, but for the majority of couples wandering around with matching gender identities and mismatched clothes (or even matching clothes, which seems to really give people a whirl), gender roles aren't given a second thought.

I think what's most offensive about this is the implication that people somehow know the dynamics of the given couple's sexual and emotional relationship by appearance. They can't, and frequently don't.

Again, I will reiterate, I look masculine, but I'm probably the more submissive partner in most areas other than planning dates. That being said, she and I usually split the bill or take turns treating the other, so even that doesn't end up being an expression of dominance. We consider each other equals, and we deliberate appropriately.

Also important to mention is that these roles are potentially damaging. Men and women should be able to feel free to express themselves in dress and personality no matter what 'gender' they belonged to originally. Men deserve to express love and sensitivity, and women deserve to express dominance and sexual desire, even though it's not 'traditional'.

Perhaps Ditto and Ogata both wear the pants, perhaps neither of them do. I am, however, positive, that assuming someone has a certain role in a relationship by what they wear is patently incorrect and obtrusive.

Maybe next time the Metro could say something like 'Ogata chose to wear shorts, which was a bold change from the more traditional tuxedo jacket pairing of trousers, but appropriate for the weather of her native Hawaii.'