First Question!

Question: 'How do you change the car battery in a VW Golf without electrocuting yourself?'

Well, for one, you could get a lesbian to do it for you. Or a mechanic- well, that might end up being the same thing- since if you're electrocuting yourself regularly whilst changing your car batteries, you should probably no longer do it on your own. I find turning the car off and not touching the metal parts of the battery are some of the best ways to avoid electrocution. If you're really paranoid about it, you could wear rubber gloves. Frying any more brain cells by electric shock would probably make it hard to remember that, however.

Really, though, the best thing to remember is to remove the negative connection first (that's the black cable), and reattach it first. And to not touch both metal tips at the same time.

Here's a really thorough article for you, if my advice isn't sufficient.